don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
