You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
