Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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