My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
why do cheetos always look like penises
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Be still, my beating vagina.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
