i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
