Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
