i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
