No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
