george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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