Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
