make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
