One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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