the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
