I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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