Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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