I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
