lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
