Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
