Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Randomize
