remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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