Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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