its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
