no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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