my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
