i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
