My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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