I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
