I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
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She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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