So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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