____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
