Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
