You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
