i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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