he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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