It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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