i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
