John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
