I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
