Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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