I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
