addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
