using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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