i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Everything about him screamed your future.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
