i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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