i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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