I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
