I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
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He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
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I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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