I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
