my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
