so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
