if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He shit in the fireplace
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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