They should really pass out barf bags in church
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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