Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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