When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
COCAINE IS GR8
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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