Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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