I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
