So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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