i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
