you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
